Are You In?

Okay, folks. We'll be there. Who's with us?

Herr Doktor Professor Heien, Ph.D., I'm looking at you especially. Cancel whatever plans you have for that weekend because they just aren't as important. You're coming with us whether you like it or not. You have no choice.

And thanks to Jeff for finding this!! (For those who can't make it: don't worry; there will be a photo essay.)

Zombie Walk at Monroeville Mall, Pittsburgh, PA

November Will Never Get Here

So, yeah, Dr. Nate and I just ordered my Mini Cooper S. But we have to wait until the end of November to get it.

Yes, you heard me right. We just ordered a brand new 2009 Mini Cooper S. British racing green with white bonnet stripes and white top. Manual transmission, of course.

Now I just have to count down the days until my new toy arrives.

It'll look something like this:

PA Weather Report: 40% Chance of Zombies

I'm rather disappointed to find out that Pennsylvania, our area of it at least, has no Major Weather Thing. No tornadoes, no hurricanes, no blizzards, no nothing. Not even the occasional special marine warning; we live too far from shore. In fact, other than one 1/2 hour's worth of downpouring rain we haven't even had any rainstorms. Although it's dry enough to hope for a wildfire or two.


I suppose thunder and lightening don't come standard in eastern PA. We've been told there is some snow, but it usually melts pretty quickly. So scratch that off the list.

They do test alert sirens often around here. I've heard them on Monday mornings, Thursday afternoons, etc. Though it might just be warning alarms from core meltdowns at the nuclear power plant 20ish miles from here. Which reminds me that I want to take a field trip to Three Mile Island one of these days.

But I digress...

This leaves zombies as the major thing for which we need to prepare (obviously). Dr. Nate is doing his part and has formed the beginnings of a spectacular Zombie Apocalypse Survival Group. We have someone with mad auto mechanic skillz. And a hunter with lots of guns, lots of outdoor survival skills, huge tracts of land, and building equipment. So we're making good progress.

Cannibalism in the News

See? You go for a few weeks without cable and the Series of Tubes, and you miss an awesome cannibalism story that even includes a free side-order of decapitation!

Greyhound scraps ads after Canada bus beheading

There are types of news stories that I absolutely love. Anything involving cannibalism, stigmata, crazy religious cults, or SHC (for those of you not in the know, "SHC" stands for Spontaneous Human Combustion). I will happily sit down to the same Discovery Channel special on stigmata time after time; they always trot out Padre Pio, but I just don't care. I'll watch it anyhow. And the SHC special on National Geographic? That one where they burn a pig carcass to try to recreate a SHC incident? I'm probably on my fifth sitting of that one. So I've very glad I noticed this story while perusing "Ad Report Card" on slate.com.

Dear People,

Dear Bob Costas,
You're cute as a button, you are! I've been claiming for, oh, the last 15 years or so that Katie Couric is really just you in drag. I saw you an Olympic broadcast the other day and I gotta say that you look the same as you did 15 years ago. Do you have really good genetics or just a really good plastic surgeon?


Dear Dwight D. Eisenhower (posthumously),
Awesome interstate system, dude! But remember: the Germans did it first.

Dear Bob Seeger,
You have the rhyming skills of a first grader. I'd suggest trying to think up more creative lyrics than all things that end in the "-ee" sound. Let's challenge ourselves, shall we?

Dear Ohio,
Stop it with the "we play anything" radio stations. If I'm listening to the Rolling Stones on one of your radio stations why must you then have the next song be country crap? I don't get it. If I wanted a mixed taped I'd make my own. Use a genre-based system like everyone else does.

Sincerely,
alm

Meet the Neighbors

Our downstairs neighbor stopped by the day we were unpacking to say hello. Somehow we ended up in her apartment, looking at her Wii and Wii Fit. She stopped by later and brought us some chocolate-covered strawberries. Very nice, although she also said that she'd taken the week off work to teach vacation bible school at her church. Uh oh.

AND she showed us her spare "goodies" refrigerator in their garage. Dr. Nate noticed there was no beer in it. How does one keep a goodies refrigerator in their garage with nothing but Snapple and yogurt in it? I thought the whole point of an extra refrigerator was to store copious amounts of liquor. Hell, this is Pennsylvania - ya gotta stock up on beer for the lean times, ya know?

Either way, she is very nice and I am assuming her husband is as well (we haven't met him. Apparently, the men folk don't have to take off work to teach vacation bible school).

Then the doorbell rang today. And our nice, previously chocolate-covered-strawberry-toting neighbor was now toting something quite different. An invitation to join them in worship at their church. *Sigh* I was upstairs on a step ladder hoisting boxes into a closet, so it was Dr. Nate who answered the door. Which was probably a good thing for all involved. Although both Dr. Nate and I suspected this invitation would be forthcoming...I mean, you take vacation from work and, instead of going to the beach or visiting friends, you teach bible school? Then you're probably one to proselytize. Good thing was that she wasn't very pushy (well, except for the fact that she rang our doorbell and foisted a church service invitation at us, which is highly pushy in my anti-religous book).

So, how does one politely tell a very nice person who happens to have different beliefs than you that you are a beer-swilling, heathen, atheist devil-spawn? Without being burned at the stake OR offending your extremely nice and well-meaning neighbors? Or at least let her know that you thank her very much for her well-meaning-ness, but aren't interested in her invitation?

Luckily she's Lutheran and not some fire-breathing, yeshallallburnifyoudonotacceptjesusasyourlordandsavior type. Then I really would expect her to start building the bonfire in the parking lot.

And it could be worse. She could be a mormon.

Pennsylvania, WTF?!

We move into town and you CLOSE the good grocery store that sold good beer?! You CLOSE it the same day we're pulling into town???? Have you no heart?!?!?

Oh, and also, Pennsylvania, a few things you might want to consider:

Tell your residents to stop with all the procreating. No state needs that many people with that many kids.

And what's up with every third building out here being a church? Does this go hand in hand with all the procreating (see above)? Either way, you're starting to scare me with your puritan liquor laws, religious nuts, and all the people in obvious need of better birth control.

Also, have you ever heard of the grid system for laying out roads? Look into it.