Our neighbors are hunters and, therefore, have guns, various and sundry munitions, trucks, and mad huntin' skillz--all very useful in a zombie apocalypse situation. And they're really nice and probably won't use our cats as zombie bait if we ask them not to.The "fifth" in the group is my sister, for several good reasons: #1, she is about as badass as Gregg Allman, if not a bit more so; #2, she works out all the time and is in very good shape, so stamina for travel won't be a problem; #3, she would have no scruples about dispatching zombies; #4, she would have no scruples about dispatching weak links in the zombie group; #5 she comes standard with LASER eyeballs.
So, what with zombie apocalypse surely imminent, I find out that my sister is moving to Montana. Damn. My only hope is to convince her to set up an outpost for us there in the wilderness and stock it with provisions. It seems that any zombie apocalypse should come standard with one group's trek across Regions Unknown to reach a Safe Haven. I suppose Montana is as acceptable a Safe Haven as any.
11 comments:
If you're serious about your plans, you need to watch this.
Long trek to Safe Haven is a must for any self-respecting zombie survival team. How else are you going to separate the wheat (Bruce Campbell) from the chaff (Paris Hilton tag-alongs) if you don't get a convoy of three Humm-Vees and a zombie-squishing Semi Truck (complete with barb-wire and ram prow) to drive across the Apocalyptic Interstate-80 to your mountain enclave? Also, you'll need that time to figure out who's most likely to double-cross you and leave you to die in the zombie hoard because they want to be the leader of New New York (Psst, its probably Dennis Hopper). Also, during the trip someone will join up who initially hates you (for reasons entirely outside your control) will need to have their life saved by you, after which you'll become the best of friends.
Then he/she will probably die. Sorry!
PS: DON'T USE YOUR CELL PHONE!!! That's what turned everyone into zombies in the first place.
I was going to ask if I could join your zombie defense team, but then I realized that I would probably be one of the "weak links" your sister "dispatches" without "scruples." And that sounds painful.
Maybe I'll just join the zombies directly. That way I'll at least get to feast on some yummy brains before my head gets blown off by the likes of your neighbors.
I always have been suspicious of Dennis Hopper...
Just remember kids, "Stab, Strangle, and Smash!"
Tim,
You could fill out an application for our zombie group vacancy. With all the tennis you play, you have the stamina of my sister, although you don't come standard with LASER eyeballs, like my sister does. You do have a hybrid car, which will come in handy for travel purposes, since it will likely run out of gas/charge at the exact proper moment in the Safe Haven Trek Saga - right in the middle of nowhere with a zombie hoard bearing down on us.
I just realized my response to Tim has FAR too many commas in it.
What we need is a zombie apocalypse hideout network, that way when you are driving across the States you have locations to restock supplies and treat the wounded. We will set up post in Kansas (sort of on the way to Montana). Give us 5 years and we will be complete with wind power, solar power, and geo-thermal heating. Also, plenty of ammunition and improvisational zombie beheading devices.
I know what happens to the nerdy guy who drives the hybrid in Zombie movies. The first time our group stops, I'll be the first one to get offed, by doing something stupid like trying to hold back a hoard of them with a cigarette lighter.
When they descend on me, you guys will use the diversion to drive off in my beautiful, beautiful Prius.
Cap'n,
Awesome - an underground railroad for the Zombie Apocalypse! Neat! But you better hurry with all your upgrades since the Zombie Apocalypse is surely imminent!
Post a Comment