Things I Hate: SUV Strollers

Listen up, all you overbearing, self-centered moms and dads everywhere: The rest of us hate your $(*#(*!&# SUV strollers. You crowd up the aisles of stores, making life impossible for those of us who just want to get their shopping done. No, we aren't stopped in front of your pram to tell you how a-DOR-able your little Emma or Skyler is (really, moms and dads - your kid isn't cute OR special. Please realize that.). No, we just want to get to the shelf where the silicone-covered cooking tongs are and your Kiddie-RV-On-Wheels is blocking our way.

And really, hausfraus - why do you need a gigantic stroller with six wheels? When was the last time you left the comfort of watching Oprah to actually venture outside with the thing? Oh, what's that, you say? You don't want Bella to ever be exposed to fresh air? You'd rather fill up the emptiness inside you by acquiring material goods and lunching with your other baby-saddled friends, where you presumably keep reassuring each other how you're still the same, fun people you've always been? Well then listen up: my car doesn't have six wheels. Humvees don't have six wheels. Why in the hell do you need a stroller with six wheels if all you do is push it aimlessly through concrete-floored capitalism meccas and Starbucks?

And don't think you crunchy-type parents with the massive jogging strollers are getting off any easier. Oh, no. If you can afford to buy a jogging stroller, then you can also afford to get a reasonably-sized one for taking to the grocery store.

Here's another thing you SUV-stroller-pushing biddies might want to consider. If your first kid isn't old enough to walk on its own yet, then perhaps you could do the rest of us a favor and cease breeding until it is. Because what's worse than a single-kid SUV stroller? The heinousness of the DOUBLE SUV STROLLER!
See, here's the thing. Back in the day when I was but a wee tot, parents were more sensible. They didn't need a cupholder on their stroller that would accommodate a triple-mocha-half-caf-soy-latte-with-light-foam. They didn't need a stroller that would play soothing forest sounds to lull their kid to sleep. They didn't need to coordinate their stroller with the interior of little Madison's nursey. No. What they needed was a light, portable item that would get their kid from point A to point B without being a burden on themselves and everyone around them. What did those 70s parents use? The umbrella stroller.
Small, light-weight and the option 100% guaranteed to be the least annoying to your fellow shoppers.

So, got it moms and dads?? We don't like your strollers. We're not even so sure about you anymore (you're becoming real drags since you had kids). And we're no longer opposed to kicking your *@*&#)! SUV strollers out of the way when we need to get to the display of silicone-covered cooking tongs.